I might be on my own, but I don’t necessarily crave a romantic partner. What I often find myself longing for is a “bus buddy.” Think back to those school bus days for a moment. Who would naturally sit next to you? Who would have you as their automatic first choice? And in turn, who would you instinctively choose to sit beside?
The well-meaning advice to “put yourself out there” is something I’ve taken to heart. I actively engage – I party, game, socialize, snowboard, travel, reconnect with old friends, meet new people, attend F45 happy hours, participate in 222 social club events, and even strike up conversations with strangers online daily. I feel like I’m contributing my fair 50%. The rest is up to timing and circumstances beyond my immediate control – a privilege that comes with having time on my side.
Living solo inevitably brings moments of loneliness, although that feeling can find anyone anywhere, even amidst a crowd of friends and family. The particular loneliness that resonates with me most is the unmet desire to be witnessed, to be truly known in the quiet corners of my existence. Everyone sees the big milestones – the new job, the house, the marriage, the babies, the exotic travels – those get the social media spotlight. But what I yearn for is someone to notice the care with which I maintain my home, the almost ritualistic precision I bring to making my meals, the small, comforting routines that bookend my days. Sharing in those seemingly insignificant moments, that quiet acknowledgment, feels like the very essence of love. That’s what it means to be truly witnessed and deeply known.
In this regard, Focusmate has been a surprising godsend. Those small, often unseen tasks or activities that would otherwise pass unnoticed in my day can now be shared, in a way, with an accountability buddy. Not only do they help me stay on track, but they also provide a subtle, comforting sense of human connection – the quiet reassurance that someone else is simply there. In those moments, I feel witnessed, I feel known in a small but significant way.
The old philosophical question comes to mind: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? Similarly, if I, as the metaphorical tree, experience life and no one witnesses the small details, did they truly happen? Did those moments, and by extension, did I fully exist in them? Intellectually, yes. For those with a spiritual inclination, there’s the belief in a divine witness. For those who need something more tangible, there’s the reflection in the mirror. You are, in a sense, your own witness; you possess self-knowledge. But this feels like a band-aid argument, a temporary salve for the deeper ache of aloneness.
Because ultimately, loneliness is just that – a feeling, transient by their very nature. States of mind, on the other hand, tend to be more persistent. It’s far more crucial to validate your own worth than to seek constant external validation. The most important person to keep promises to, to follow through for, to check in with, to truly care for, is yourself. We often mistake over-giving for love, sacrificing our own well-being and sense of self in the process. If you can’t consistently show up for yourself, relying on others to do so indefinitely (even family) is unrealistic. No one is coming to “save” you in the traditional sense.
Saved from what, exactly? The very experience of life? The unfolding decades with a personal itinerary you feel responsible for creating? In a way, there are no ultimate worries… the metaphorical contracts were signed. Your life is already in motion. You are here for the journey, whatever it may entail.
Today’s journey looks different from the voyages of generations past. My intention is to be present for a good time, and a long time. I find solace in counting my blessings, allowing for the natural ebb and flow of emotions – some days bring tears, others don’t. Even Buddha, in his wisdom, sought out periods of hardship to truly appreciate the value of joy, the “ups” in life. Without experiencing the “black,” we wouldn’t truly recognize the “white.”
I like to think I’m venturing into philosophical territory here, but I’m sure it’s peppered with clichés. Nonetheless, these are important reminders for myself: to continue practicing gratitude, journaling, exploring tarot, maintaining my commitment to F45 and health, and mindfully preparing my yogurt bowls – my small rituals that allow me to feel witnessed, if only by myself, and ultimately, to be more fully known.