Disappoint and regret are brothers. While regret is a feeling that is directed towards oneself, disappointment can be directed towards anyone and anything. It can be the result of a bad draw of cards or a test score you got back or when your best friend skipped your birthday party. Whatever it stems from, disappointment can lead to wallowing and can be biting, especially when directed at yourself. What’s interesting to know is that disappointment can be traced to one thing: expectations.
Some people say low expectations are the key to happiness. Whether I believe them or not, I’m still evaluating for myself. What I have realized is that I easily get caught up in the vicious circle of setting high expectations that get met with failure and hence, disappointment.
I’ve always set high expectations for myself. I am a woman with standards. For my grades in school, the men I date, how much I can accomplish at the gym within a given amount of time, I set out to exceed expectations. That’s the goal, right? My parents never had to truly push me in school or dance or anything else I ever did because I pushed myself enough. I set a bar that I tried to meet – given a bit of a buffer, because even the best people have off days.
Recently, I’ve started realizing when it comes to personal fulfillment, expectations can be dangerous. Setting goals that appear realistic can even become dangerous. When something as simple as “post on x date” doesn’t get achieved because I wanted to watch Netflix, I start feeling guilt, regret, and – you guessed it – disappointment. Every day I start waking up with the expectation that I’ll get something done for myself because I want to and go to bed without getting it done is a failure-filled day. It creates a strong association between the things I want to be doing for myself (like having a blog or working out) and the familiar sense of disappointment.
There’s a cycle. Set expectations; fail by falling short of expectations or in some cases, not even trying; let disappointment consume you. Some people are really good at letting the disappointment take over and never trying again. I’ve been there. Others use it to do better and persevere. Man, I wish I could use it as fuel. But since I can’t or don’t, does this mean that I have to take the preventative route and lower expectations for every aspect of my life? I don’t think so.
For now, I’ve decided the best way to deal with disappointment is with gratitude. Being thankful for what is and letting myself down easy. So what if I didn’t write something today? The world didn’t burn and crash. I didn’t spontaneously combust because I didn’t put words on a screen. Instead, I can be grateful for enjoying my time watching Vampire Diaries and taking one step closer to saying goodbye to Netflix. Either way, I got closer to achieving one of my goals. That can be satisfactory enough for today.
Whatever it was that didn’t happen my way, something else probably did in its place. I need to figure out what that silver lining is. I’m not going to lower my expectations, but I’m not going to be so hard on myself. Every day that I wake up with the same goal, I have a chance at achieving it. If I erase that goal, I no longer have a chance to succeed and trust me – giving up is a feeling much worse than disappointment.
I needed to hear this, so I hope it helps you too.